Avoiding the rocks.

I find myself at a loss for words these days. The kids provide plenty of stories to tell and funny events to relay, but I don't have it in me. I lack inspiration. I'm in a funk. I regularly have these moments in my life when I can see the potential in everything, but I can also see the walls that prevent me from reaching that potential, and it's so frustrating and demoralizing that it consumes me. There are times when I really just can't see past all the knobby trees with misshapen branches to appreciate the true beauty of the forest. And once I get started critiquing one tree, it just snowballs until I'm frustrated with every little limb that is out of place.

My dean is pissing me off because he just is. It's a long story of him doing a lot of things kind of well and relying on the rest of us to pick up all the balls he's dropping but forgetting to tell any of us which ball we're supposed to watch and catch. He doesn't deal well with personnel issues; he'd rather look the other way than address systemic problems; he lets grudges consume him to the point where he looses touch with the realities of the situation. He has plenty of strengths, but his weaknesses are winning out right now. So I start with that, then I get irritated with my inability to stick with a diet and exercise plan, then the house starts bugging me--so many incomplete projects and so much room for improvement, then nagging little health issues distract me, and pretty soon, I'm overwhelmed by all that I need to fix or all that I can't fix for the various elements of my life to reach their full potential.

There are moments when I'm able to take a deep breath and see the forest. To appreciate how special my family is and to focus on them. But then the other things creep in and leave me tired again. I look at the clock and think I could either get my butt in gear and run errands or go exercise, or I could just crawl back under the covers and go back to sleep. The pull of the bed is really a siren's call. It seems inviting, but it will lead me to feel that even more is left undone. But the siren's call is such a beautiful song. And since when have I ever had an ounce of power to resist the beautiful songs, even when I know they don't have a happy ending.

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