Here we go again.

This is way more information about me than I should be sharing with most of you. I need to get it out though, and this is my forum. I'm tired of battling depression and anxiety. No one panic, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just saying I'm tired of it. It's scary and lonely. It never goes away completely. It's just managed, and I don't really like how unmanaged it is a lot of the time, but I don't see any other options. I try to talk myself out of it, which, as my doctor has reminded me on more than one occasion, is not possible. She said that the next step is mood altering drugs. I think that's what she said. That sounds scary. I'm not sure what's scarier though--sort of managed mental illness or changing medications. And what even caused this mess to begin with. I know it started with my last pregnancy, but why is it even possible?! What's weird is that I'm happy, but I'm not. I love my life and the people in it, there's just this undercurrent that's a general pain in the ass. I hate the words mentally ill. I hate it. It makes me someone I don't think I am. It takes me away from me, and that just pisses me off!